Just Because You're the Pedestrian

... does not make you God Of The Sidewalk or Lord Of The Parking Lot.

I know California laws basically give pedestrians precedence over those operating a moving vehicle a good 99.9% of the time. This doesn't mean you become invincible the moment your foot hits the pavement with those Chevro-legs.

There is no magical force field that will deflect the impact of my yellow assassin machine (aka my car) against your gazelle-like scamper from the entrance of the mall to the location of where you think you parked your car. Nor is there some sort of security team to reach out and save your life when you decide "Hey. I'm in charge here. Why bother looking both ways before crossing the street against traffic?" The only two real guarantees you'll receive from that happenstance are:

1. You're going to piss off a lot of motorists.
2. You'll probably get tagged by one of those motorists in the car they're... motoring?

Granted the law may be on your side, but incompetence will only get you an "Oooo. My bad." when your shin finally meets the front grill of my vehicle. And you better not have scratched the paint.

Like, fer shure.

My father made a decision early on in my life, probably before I was born, to install the following goals into my life:

1. Retirement.
Not mine. His. After the completion of my first win at an LPGA tournament.

2. Take An Auto Shop Course.
Dad didn't want any big, mean mechanics trying to take advantage of his daughter's finances in the event her car should implode.

3. Learn Basic English.
You get the point, right?

Unfortunately I was not blessed with a gene that makes oneself athletically inclined. Nor do I have any clue how to change a flat tire. However, even through the hells of public schooling, I still know how to formulate a damn email without sounding like a kindergartner.

Baffled? Here, let me explain:

1. You + are = You're.

This is the melding of words, kids. You can't just smash two words together like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to make up a new definition of an already existing word. Unless we're playing Scrabble.

2. Are you... bored?

Bored (verb)
- to be wearied by dullness, tedious repetition, unwelcome attentions, etc.

Board (noun)
- a piece of wood sawed thin, and of considerable length and breadth compared with the thickness.

Are you really comparing yourself to plywood? Life can't be that bad.

3. THENks

Correct:
If I set my alarm for 5 AM, then I should make sure the clock isn't still running on Daylight Savings Time.

Incorrect:
If I set my alarm for 5 AM, than I should make sure the clock isn't still running on Daylight Savings Time.

4. I'll Love Ya, Tomorrow
Plain and simple: There is no "a" in this word. Tomarrow? Bone marrow? I don't weigh enough to donate at this time. My apologies.

5. There, their, they're
I'll cut some slack on this one. Generally, there are only two ways to spell a set of homophones, but someone decided to get crazy and make a three word deal out of this one. And one of them happens to be a contraction. Oh no! I'm assuming the same jerk put the whole two, too and to mess into action, as well. While I could outline the correct usage of each word, I will just suggest that you visit a local library to reference a copy of your favorite Dick & Jane adventure for an explanation.

6. Anyways(ssssss)
This is not a damn word.

English isn't difficult, people. You speak it. You take classes for it throughout your entire educational career. So why does it seem like my emails and messages from various outlets appear to be from ESL students? Unless you're an adorable LOLCat, I would greatly appreciate not having to take an extra 30 seconds to decipher what the crap you're really trying to say.

Get it together, America.

Bluetooth Usage

I know California passed that wonderful law forbidding anyone to drive while using their cellular phone aka "handheld device". After witnessing some of my friends try to drive while on the phone, I happen to think is a splendid law to have instated.

Yeah, this law is saving lives. But it's also sprouting a trend that can only be horrifically compared to as what I like to refer to as The Era Of Crocs. I have a Bluetooth device so I can call someone when I get lost without breaking the law. However, the little doodad stays in the car. Because that's what it's for.

Examples of when you don't need a phone literally attached to your ear:

-While out for a family dinner. You're going to scar your children by making them think business is more important than the fact they want a Shirley Temple STAT
-When standing in line behind me at the bank. It's quiet in there and everyone can hear your discussion with your wife over the fact you got gas from the broccoli at last night's dinner.
-During a date. Nothing says "You're special" like an impending phone call to the UFO you have lodged in your ear canal.

So, to everyone who thinks they need to use their hands free device while conducting non-vehicle related activities: PLEASE STOP. You look like an effing moron.

This guy even has major cool points on you:

Pretzels.

Throughout my life there have been many foods I have refused to eat. Most of these dislikes were established as a child and based on no previous taste experience whatsoever. Years later I'll decide to try them again and discover I had been missing out on a lifetime of taste bud wonderment.

Today I took a stab at pretzels. Everyone loves them, right? They aren't one of those obscure foods that everyone will completely understand a distaste for. And I'm seriously tired picking them out of Chex Mix and/or 100 Calorie Ritz Snack Packs. Why the hell would I have any reason to be displeased by a combination of carbohydrates and salt?

You know why? Because they're absolutely disgusting. Never again.

Tomorrow: Raisins.



UPDATE:

Raisins: No dice.

Controversial Advertising

Many companies receive media scrutiny for their various controversial ad campaigns. Crazy Frog was attacked for supposedly having genitalia, Carls Jr. ignited a boycott with the Paris Hilton porn... I mean... car wash episode and even Proposition 8 advocates appeared to have crossed the line with their commercials.

My humble reaction to the majority of people freaking out? "Eh." Or, more eloquently put, "Get your panties out of a wad."

However, there is one series of television advertisements that I just cannot choose to ignore. Nabisco, you have let me down time and time again with your broadcasts promoting Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies.

My TV screen comes alive with the smiling face of an adorable chocolate chip cookie. The first horrifying experience I recall involved our little "1000 Chips Delicious" buddy politely waiting at a birthday party for some cake. Then what happens? He is brutally informed by an elementary aged brat that they're "not having cake" and all eyes become fixed on the most adorable cookie to exist. Chips Ahoy won't go ahead and say what happens, but oh YOU KNOW what they ate instead of cake. Why, OH WHY, would you put a party hat on your dessert? He probably bought that stupid kid a present, too. The mere thought makes me choke up.

This bloodcurdling happenstance is followed by a slew of similar advertisements. I even had to witness my chocolately, chunky friend attempt to enjoy a simple car ride with his other delectable comrades before they are all plucked from their vehicle for consumption. Gasp! How could you?!

I am shocked and appalled that the FCC would allow viewers to witness this cookie-slaughter. And on children's channels, no less!

So, I am taking a stand. I have issued a personal boycott against Chips Ahoy to prevent the future massacre of darling cookie treats everywhere. Take THAT Nabisco.





Save Me.

I know you're trying to save the planet

but you're going to die when your Smart Car thing hits the freeway. one tap from my go kart of a car going over 30 mph and you'd be blown to smithereens.





+



=

your imminent death.