Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Just Because You're the Pedestrian

... does not make you God Of The Sidewalk or Lord Of The Parking Lot.

I know California laws basically give pedestrians precedence over those operating a moving vehicle a good 99.9% of the time. This doesn't mean you become invincible the moment your foot hits the pavement with those Chevro-legs.

There is no magical force field that will deflect the impact of my yellow assassin machine (aka my car) against your gazelle-like scamper from the entrance of the mall to the location of where you think you parked your car. Nor is there some sort of security team to reach out and save your life when you decide "Hey. I'm in charge here. Why bother looking both ways before crossing the street against traffic?" The only two real guarantees you'll receive from that happenstance are:

1. You're going to piss off a lot of motorists.
2. You'll probably get tagged by one of those motorists in the car they're... motoring?

Granted the law may be on your side, but incompetence will only get you an "Oooo. My bad." when your shin finally meets the front grill of my vehicle. And you better not have scratched the paint.

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Thursday, December 11, 2008

Like, fer shure.

My father made a decision early on in my life, probably before I was born, to install the following goals into my life:

1. Retirement.
Not mine. His. After the completion of my first win at an LPGA tournament.

2. Take An Auto Shop Course.
Dad didn't want any big, mean mechanics trying to take advantage of his daughter's finances in the event her car should implode.

3. Learn Basic English.
You get the point, right?

Unfortunately I was not blessed with a gene that makes oneself athletically inclined. Nor do I have any clue how to change a flat tire. However, even through the hells of public schooling, I still know how to formulate a damn email without sounding like a kindergartner.

Baffled? Here, let me explain:

1. You + are = You're.

This is the melding of words, kids. You can't just smash two words together like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to make up a new definition of an already existing word. Unless we're playing Scrabble.

2. Are you... bored?

Bored (verb)
- to be wearied by dullness, tedious repetition, unwelcome attentions, etc.

Board (noun)
- a piece of wood sawed thin, and of considerable length and breadth compared with the thickness.

Are you really comparing yourself to plywood? Life can't be that bad.

3. THENks

Correct:
If I set my alarm for 5 AM, then I should make sure the clock isn't still running on Daylight Savings Time.

Incorrect:
If I set my alarm for 5 AM, than I should make sure the clock isn't still running on Daylight Savings Time.

4. I'll Love Ya, Tomorrow
Plain and simple: There is no "a" in this word. Tomarrow? Bone marrow? I don't weigh enough to donate at this time. My apologies.

5. There, their, they're
I'll cut some slack on this one. Generally, there are only two ways to spell a set of homophones, but someone decided to get crazy and make a three word deal out of this one. And one of them happens to be a contraction. Oh no! I'm assuming the same jerk put the whole two, too and to mess into action, as well. While I could outline the correct usage of each word, I will just suggest that you visit a local library to reference a copy of your favorite Dick & Jane adventure for an explanation.

6. Anyways(ssssss)
This is not a damn word.

English isn't difficult, people. You speak it. You take classes for it throughout your entire educational career. So why does it seem like my emails and messages from various outlets appear to be from ESL students? Unless you're an adorable LOLCat, I would greatly appreciate not having to take an extra 30 seconds to decipher what the crap you're really trying to say.

Get it together, America.

Grammar Pictures, Images and Photos