Friday, September 2, 2011

You know what was cool about my drive home today?

Nothing.

As per usual.

However, I did encounter a prime example of someone who should just clearly drive their car off of the nearest bridge.

Commuting sucks. Hardcore. We all know this. Everyone that has to experience it on the daily would rather eat razor blades than deal with Friday afternoon gridlock. But, hey, how the fuck else are you going to get home, right?

Anyway, I’m doing my thang… resisting the urge to just shake it out while blasting Innerpartysystem. When suddenly, a wild merge appears. This is no ordinary merge. This merge is akin to fighting for the last Tickle Me Elmo a minute before Toys R Us closes on Christmas Eve. A battle royale, if I may.

This isn’t my first rodeo, kids. I know what’s up. I know how to jibber jab my way to where I need to be. And then… Sir Douchebag Asshat IV, Esq. appears. Foolio drives next to me, speeds up, cuts me off, gets into the right lane, cuts me off… again… gets into left lane… then… gets behind me and tries to do a little bumper love peck before… flipping me off?

Eff your couch, bro. We are ALL in this shit traffic together. However, some of us can deal and realize that a shitty 20 minutes after work is leading to a glorious three day weekend. Why you mad, yo? Is it because you’re fat and barely fit into your car? Is it the sweltering heat that’s making you pissy? Is all that grease in your hair just makin ya angries?
Oh I know. It was the fact that your car is purple. I can dig that. I mean, my car is brighter than rainbow unicorn poop; not a smart 17 year old holyshitimbuyingacaricangetwhatevercoloriwant move. But that doesn’t mean I’m driving like a total asshat all over the freeway, flipping off people who are doing what they’re supposed to in the traffic dance.

So, really. I hope your hard drive has a total melt down and your entire WoW game/character/account/whatever the hell it is just obliterates itself, forcing you to perhaps venture outside and maybe, I don’t know, get some exercise? Who knows… maybe it’ll alleviate some of that hair grease anger.

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