So there I am, Chillin at … Chili’s. I’ve got my vodka soda, chips & salser and a sexy black bean burger on the way. I even set myself up with some crayons and a sweet, blank paper chili pepper that’s just waiting to have itself adorned with color. (Don’t worry. I DONATED my dollar for it. Apparently you have to shell out cash to spend 5 intense minutes scribbling colored wax between some lines.) Basically, I’m in mediocre restaurant zen right about now.
Then, like a thunderstorm from the wrath of Zeus, my world becomes shattered by an earth shattering shriek.
“Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmm! EEEEAHAHDHFHEHA!”
Interpret that how you wish, but we all know that sound. It’s a noise that will evoke fear, anger and an overwhelming sense of getmethefuckoutofhere all at one time. It is… the out of control child.
You suck.
Now, this particular young man was rather unpleased by the fact his mom needed to use the restroom. So, naturally, the best resolution in his ill-mannered 5 year old brain is to run after that cold-hearted woman and scream bloody murder for abandoning him. Right?
Let’s fast forward 5 minutes to where the family is finally reunited in their booth… directly behind where I’m sitting. What could possibly go wrong here? Oh, I will TELL YOU. Little angry man is still pissed at his old lady, so he proceeds to squeal random noises and sounds to quite possibly notify the entire world that he’s still not a-ok with mother’s disappearing act. All complete with ferocious kicking to our shared bench podium that even David Beckham would grow green over. Little sis sees this and, not to be out done by her older bro, decides she needs to join in the baby Liberachi practice. Their poor waitress approaches the table and their scream-fest is diverted to her with demands of “I want milk!” and “EEEEEEE!” As a parent of these two upstanding citizens in training, the only logical reaction is to…
Laugh?
I’m kidding, right? I most certainly am not. I have no clue if I need to be a parent in order to justify my children’s seemingly uncontrollable behavior with giggles, but I’m assuming that’s not something the rest of the world finds as cute as they do.
My backwards glances, laced with a hint of you’re-failing-as-a-parent glares, must have flipped the switch to a tiny light bulb because someone finally got the hint that maybe their kids should put a sock in it. Best solution? iPhone! With tons of lights and sounds more annoying than Lady GaGa’s most recent radio jamz.
At this point, my burger has been packed and is ready to go home to the peacefulness of my refrigerator. My tasty alcohol treat is gone. And I am ready to get the hell out of this restaurant as it turns into a Chuck-E-Cheese before my very eyes. I almost wish I had battle gear and a stun gun in my purse to loan the server. Bless her heart. I can only imagine what horror and carnage was released once the actual food arrived.
Still funny?
Bottom line: Get your shit together and your kids in check.
Oh and the best part about this entire situation: There’s an uber well-mannered young man sitting across from these hooligans, obviously in a state of utter confusion. I know this because he actually said “please” when he asked for more water. Your parents deserve the most badass high-five in the history of ever, kid. You’re gonna be alright.
Then, like a thunderstorm from the wrath of Zeus, my world becomes shattered by an earth shattering shriek.
“Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmm! EEEEAHAHDHFHEHA!”
Interpret that how you wish, but we all know that sound. It’s a noise that will evoke fear, anger and an overwhelming sense of getmethefuckoutofhere all at one time. It is… the out of control child.
You suck.
Now, this particular young man was rather unpleased by the fact his mom needed to use the restroom. So, naturally, the best resolution in his ill-mannered 5 year old brain is to run after that cold-hearted woman and scream bloody murder for abandoning him. Right?
Let’s fast forward 5 minutes to where the family is finally reunited in their booth… directly behind where I’m sitting. What could possibly go wrong here? Oh, I will TELL YOU. Little angry man is still pissed at his old lady, so he proceeds to squeal random noises and sounds to quite possibly notify the entire world that he’s still not a-ok with mother’s disappearing act. All complete with ferocious kicking to our shared bench podium that even David Beckham would grow green over. Little sis sees this and, not to be out done by her older bro, decides she needs to join in the baby Liberachi practice. Their poor waitress approaches the table and their scream-fest is diverted to her with demands of “I want milk!” and “EEEEEEE!” As a parent of these two upstanding citizens in training, the only logical reaction is to…
Laugh?
I’m kidding, right? I most certainly am not. I have no clue if I need to be a parent in order to justify my children’s seemingly uncontrollable behavior with giggles, but I’m assuming that’s not something the rest of the world finds as cute as they do.
My backwards glances, laced with a hint of you’re-failing-as-a-parent glares, must have flipped the switch to a tiny light bulb because someone finally got the hint that maybe their kids should put a sock in it. Best solution? iPhone! With tons of lights and sounds more annoying than Lady GaGa’s most recent radio jamz.
At this point, my burger has been packed and is ready to go home to the peacefulness of my refrigerator. My tasty alcohol treat is gone. And I am ready to get the hell out of this restaurant as it turns into a Chuck-E-Cheese before my very eyes. I almost wish I had battle gear and a stun gun in my purse to loan the server. Bless her heart. I can only imagine what horror and carnage was released once the actual food arrived.
Still funny?
Bottom line: Get your shit together and your kids in check.
Oh and the best part about this entire situation: There’s an uber well-mannered young man sitting across from these hooligans, obviously in a state of utter confusion. I know this because he actually said “please” when he asked for more water. Your parents deserve the most badass high-five in the history of ever, kid. You’re gonna be alright.
1 comment:
I laughed out loud a couple times.
=)
Post a Comment