Football Season: Manning as God and Shotgun Suicides

In typical Sunday fashion, much of the day’s conversations revolve around pregame, who’s in/out, the actual games, fantasy teams and… well… this shit. Enjoy.

Z: Jimmy Johnson’s stupidity is leaking through his mouth on this pregame show. I think hey may have brain damage…

Me: I think he’s just trying to be the next GOP candidate.

Z: I want to viciously murder Frank Caliendo. No jury would convict me.

Me: Haha I don’t think anyone would be too upset.

Z: Bradshaw clearly hates him and I love it.

I wouldn’t even try to make it look like an accident. Cops would be like “I didn’t see anything.”

Me: “I don’t know how he shot himself in the head with a shot gun but uh yeah… clearly suicide.”

Z: “Must have pulled the trigger with his toe. Case closed. Mexican for lunch?”


And later…


Z: If the Chargers get Tebowed I’m gonna Caliendo myself.

Me: Hahaaa

Z: I wish he would really go all out with his TD celebrations, full crucifixion…

Me: Stigmata included.

Z: With railroad ties.

Me: We are going to be forced to watch Tebow clips for all eternity when we get to hell.

Z: Hey, if he gets hit by a fat bitch on a rascal while praying about the nickel he found in the parking lot, so be it.

Me: Pretty sure God isn’t worried about him winning football games.

Z: We all know God is a Cowboys fan…

Me: He’s definitely not a Detroit fan. That’s for sure.

Actually if you think about it, I’m pretty sure Peyton Manning may be God.

Z: He used to be a Miami fan… until somebody told him that dolphins are just like gay sharks and he’s totally not cool with that.

Pfft if Manning was God he would have rehabbed that neck a little bit faster…

Me: He’s just teaching the team they need him to avoid being Al Davis’d

Z: Just win, baby?

Me: Not without Manning. Not even once.

Z: …you complete me haha

You know what was cool about my drive home today?

Nothing.

As per usual.

However, I did encounter a prime example of someone who should just clearly drive their car off of the nearest bridge.

Commuting sucks. Hardcore. We all know this. Everyone that has to experience it on the daily would rather eat razor blades than deal with Friday afternoon gridlock. But, hey, how the fuck else are you going to get home, right?

Anyway, I’m doing my thang… resisting the urge to just shake it out while blasting Innerpartysystem. When suddenly, a wild merge appears. This is no ordinary merge. This merge is akin to fighting for the last Tickle Me Elmo a minute before Toys R Us closes on Christmas Eve. A battle royale, if I may.

This isn’t my first rodeo, kids. I know what’s up. I know how to jibber jab my way to where I need to be. And then… Sir Douchebag Asshat IV, Esq. appears. Foolio drives next to me, speeds up, cuts me off, gets into the right lane, cuts me off… again… gets into left lane… then… gets behind me and tries to do a little bumper love peck before… flipping me off?

Eff your couch, bro. We are ALL in this shit traffic together. However, some of us can deal and realize that a shitty 20 minutes after work is leading to a glorious three day weekend. Why you mad, yo? Is it because you’re fat and barely fit into your car? Is it the sweltering heat that’s making you pissy? Is all that grease in your hair just makin ya angries?
Oh I know. It was the fact that your car is purple. I can dig that. I mean, my car is brighter than rainbow unicorn poop; not a smart 17 year old holyshitimbuyingacaricangetwhatevercoloriwant move. But that doesn’t mean I’m driving like a total asshat all over the freeway, flipping off people who are doing what they’re supposed to in the traffic dance.

So, really. I hope your hard drive has a total melt down and your entire WoW game/character/account/whatever the hell it is just obliterates itself, forcing you to perhaps venture outside and maybe, I don’t know, get some exercise? Who knows… maybe it’ll alleviate some of that hair grease anger.

Raptored

It would appear these morning workouts are making my brain overflow with random imagination. A normal text conversation went completely awry when the notion of a dinosaur rapture came into play. Hang in there, people.

Me: So how about that failed rapture?

Friend: Right?

Me: Unless... it wasn't really failed. We just all suck that bad at being people so we were... left behind.

Friend: Great. I knew I'd end up in hell, anyway.

Me: Well I mean I guess we all should have seen it going down that way. Everyone knows the last successful rapture is what made dinosaurs extinct.

Friend: Please tell me you're joking.

Me: Huh? Please tell me YOU'RE joking. You never heard of the dino rapture?

Friend: Kelsey... you're scaring me.

Me: I know, right? The Dinosaur Rapture was a really scary thing. And to think they were deemed more worthy than modern day man?

Friend: The dinosaurs weren't raptured. Or whatever.

Me: Don't even tell me you believe it was a natural extinction. There's just no way. Like a giant meteor is going to wipe out every living thing but Earth is still all chill and whatever?

Friend: We're really having this convo?

Me: Well I think we should. Obviously, you need to be educated on this.

Me: If you just think about it logically it makes sense. How many dinosaurs were on the planet? Bazillions, right? So, science would suggest we should be finding WAY more fossils and skeletons. But in comparison we really haven't found a solid amount. Rapture, baby.

Friend: You're combining science and rapture in the same theory?

Me: Rapture IS science and this is fact not theory. Come on.

Friend: Ok so why were only some of them left behind then?

Me: They were probably just assholes. That's just the way it works.

Friend: T-Rex? Weren't they all assholes?

Me: Yeah... but the whole small arms thing? I think they probably got some "Sorry about that, guys" credit or something.

Friend: Oh ok well yeah that would make sense. I'd feel bad about creating a living being with that kind of deformity, too.

Me: You just agreed that Dinosaur Rapture makes sense. What is wrong with you?

Friend: Don't even turn this around on me.

Me: Hey, if you want to believe you can create dinosaurs and shit that is your own deal.

Friend: Seriously, not cool.

Me: Dinosaur Rapture... wow.

Friend: Stop.

Me: Dinosaur Rapture... they were all... RAPTORED.

Friend: Go work or something.

Me: Jurassic Rapture?

Friend: I'm done here.

This entire exchange was probably way more amusing to me than it will be to anyone else. I'm sorry.